


Rose Recaps: Purim

by blueinkedbones



Category: purim - Fandom
Genre: Purim, megillah, megillas esther, purim recap on crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-24
Updated: 2016-03-24
Packaged: 2018-05-28 17:08:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6337780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueinkedbones/pseuds/blueinkedbones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which i recap the purim story from memory for my friend sam</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rose Recaps: Purim

basically there was this queen vashti  

who married this dude achashverosh

and then achashverosh had a massive party and wanted to show her off

but she broke out in pimples and didnt want ppl to see her

so he's like "fuck what do i do about this"

and his advisor haman said, the man needs to be head of the household, and she should be killed,

so achashverosh had her killed.  

 

now king dude needs a new wife,

so he has a beauty pageant that drafts all the girls in shushan (persia)  

 

he picks this orphan girl named esther

she isnt really into it but she doesnt have a choice.

so he marries her  

 

meanwhile haman gets promoted

and everyone's supposed to bow before him

but there's this dude mordechai who refuses

so haman gets really insulted and decides to kill all the jews for his disrespect  

 

so he goes to king achashverosh

and gets him drunk

and tells him the jews are conspiring to kill him  

 

and achashverosh is like, shit, what should i do?

and haman is like, send out messages telling everyone that killing jews is a great idea  

 

bec at this point persia controlled a ton of places so his royal stamp had clout  

 

meanwhile these two dudes who work in the palace plan to poison the king's food/wine

but stupidly they discuss this within earshot of mordechai

who warns the king.

so the king is like "oh man thanks so much what can i do for you?"

and then the king goes to his bff haman and is like "lets say i really wanted to honor a dude, what should i do"

and haman's like "oh yay he's gonna honor me"

so he says this whole elaborate thing,

have the dude you wanna honor led on a white horse through town while someone yells about how great he is

and achashverosh is like "perfect,

so the dude we're honoring is mordechai and i want you to be the one yelling about how great he is"  

 

so now haman is piiiiissed  

 

and his wife is all naggy like "if you dont get respect from mordechai no one will respect you"  

 

anyway esther is trying to get the king to reverse the letters about how killing jews is a great idea,

so she invites him and haman to a party.

and that cheers haman up bec he's like

"sweet the queen invited me to this exclusve party"  

 

and it was a great party

and haman and the king were in a great mood

and she invited them to a second party   

 

oh and meanwhile esther told mordechai to tell the jews to pray and mourn to god  

 

oh and also haman gets very excited bec of the party

so he builds gallows hoping he'll get the king to hang mordechai on them   

 

anyway at the second party the king and haman are in a great mood

and esther is like "can i ask for a favor"

and the kings like "anything up to half my kingdom"

and she's like "there's a dude trying to murder me and my people"

and the king is like "shit who? fuck that guy i'll kill him"

and esther is like "it's him" and points across the table

 

and then explains that she's jewish and the whole thing  

 

so the king is all pissed at his bff haman

so he goes for a walk in his garden to calm down.

haman is all scared now so he falls to his knees begging esther to save him.

thats when the king comes back and he's like

"OH SHIT YOU'RE TRYING TO HOOK UP W MY WIFE NOW?

WOW YOU'RE DEAD"  

 

then this worker dude charvona is like

"btw haman built gallows to hang the dude that saved your life"

and the king is like WOW WHAT A DOUCHE

and has haman hung on his own gallows   

 

and then the king sent out new letters telling everyone that it was illegal to murder jews again,

sorry, no more killing for you  

 

and all the jews were like yay we're saved

and they had parties and gave each other food baskets and made hamentaschen  

 

and thats purim  

 

oh i forgot, before the parties, esther fasted and prayed a bunch  

 

so there's tanis esther the day before purim which is a fast day

 

 

 

[ ](https://www.facebook.com/sam.crespo)

sam:

 

 

I'm sure that's not how it was taught to u in Hebrew school

 

it's really not, sam

[here's the real one](http://www.mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/pt3301.htm)

 

the end

 

  
 


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